I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
Randomize
