Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Randomize
