i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
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