My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
