Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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