dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
