her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
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