How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
Randomize
