He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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