i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
Randomize
