I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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