I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Bts the comment you were making during that picture was "look we have penises"
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
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