is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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