apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
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