did you know that the clit is basically just a tiny penis? Ya.. So just think about that next time you're down there.
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
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