So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
Randomize
