I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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