Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
Randomize
