I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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