I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Btw you guys passed out eating DP dough and watching Pocahontas... on a monday
it was stoner heaven..
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