using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
Princesses don't give blow jobs
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Randomize
