I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Randomize
