3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
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