My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
Randomize
