By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
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