I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
The adults are the big ones right?
Randomize
