I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
sending my old camp counselor nudes. childhood memory win or new low?
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
