Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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