i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
i came on her dog
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
