Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
Going to the u of w I constantly have that moment of, oh hey I felt you up at that rave at folk fest that one time. Winnipeg is too small.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
