I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
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