I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
Randomize
