I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Randomize
