I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
