I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
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