dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
Randomize
