Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
