Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
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