So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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