She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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