now i know why i became what i already was.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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