I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
I just recommended that the library purchase the first major hentai with tentacle porn. Really, I'm doing everyone a favor.
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