My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
Randomize
