So I just passed a billboard for "Risque Cafe: Good food and topless women". Fuck. I love SC.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
