I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
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