Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
Randomize
