The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
am i the only one who has tried sucking their own cock????
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Randomize
