No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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