I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
