Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
Randomize
